As I’m driving home from practice with my nine year old she started complaining that one of her coaches was “mean” to her.   He is always telling her things she is doing wrong.  I told her that is a coach’s job and they are supposed to be mean.   I was kind of flippant about it.  But then I realized that this really required a little more conversation because this can be a valuable life lesson for her; one I see plenty of “grown ups” struggling to learn.

I explained that I wanted her to do something that was going to be very hard for her.  I wanted her to go to practice for the next week and pay very close attention to this coach.  I know she feels she is being singled out, but I wanted her to focus on whether she truly IS being singled out.  I told her this would be difficult because she already feels she is, and she may have to be very honest with herself about whether this is really true; and possibly admit that it is not. 

The next week we discussed it again and she admitted that he treated everyone the same.  I was pretty impressed by this admission as I see experienced adults who can’t admit things like this.  I then explained to her that in the majority of cases if someone she respects who is in a position of authority is delivering a consistent message to multiple people, he or she is actually handing her a gift.  The goal is to help her grow and improve and this coach has invested himself in her future. 

I emphasized that a good first reaction is to view it that way, as if someone is handing her a present.  This will help her deal with the emotional piece and really assess the situation from a more objective point of view.  Obviously she is nine and must learn that this will not always be the case (which is why I mentioned this criticism coming from a position of respect and authority and not her friends.)  Eventually, it should be true of everyone who is close to her.

So, what does this have to do with anything?  How does this relate to business? 

Well, managing people is very difficult and many times criticism is not well received.  I am suggesting, without being condescending, that the idea of criticism as a gift should be discussed with your staff.  Have a conversation similar to the one I had with my daughter and set expectations.  If it is explained from the outset that if a criticism is brought up, it will be for the purpose of improving productivity, the employee is a lot more likely to view it in that light. Point out that as a manager, you are investing in the employee’s personal growth and professional career.  Commit to providing feedback both good and bad, fairly and frequently, for the purpose of individual improvement.  But address the role of constructive criticism as a part of this process.

Professor P. M. Forni, co-founder of the Johns Hopkins University Civility Project, advocates powerfully for people to communicate both honestly and humanely. He believes constructive criticism is “a welcome opportunity to learn.” But he also recommends a cautious and careful examination of motives before diving in. “Make sure that your intention is to help with a problem and not to humiliate, manipulate or exact revenge.”

In the workplace, Forni and other researchers emphasize that establishing an environment of positive reinforcement helps create a feedback-friendly climate.  Work done well deserves praise and recognition, but employers, managers and co-workers often overlook the simple step of consistently acknowledging good performance. The desire for approval is a basic human need going back to infancy that we never outgrow. Appreciation and recognition correlate strongly to employee motivation and morale. On the other hand, Forni cites U. S. Department of Labor statistics that show “Feeling unappreciated at work is a leading cause of leaving a job.”

What better way to show appreciation than by investing in an employee’s career and making sure they KNOW this prior to providing feedback?